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And nothing of value was lost

Hey guys.

Don’t worry, I’m one of you. I know I’ve been gone awhile but here’s my card.

Though if I’m being honest, gents, I’m a bit ticked at the brotherhood right now. It’s only recently come to my attention that there’s a vast feminist conspiracy afoot. That, in and of itself, would be enough of a revelation to bring me down. But now I learn that many of you are not only aware of this plot but you’ve been staging counterstrikes?

I thought we were bros, bros! I didn’t get a single fucking memo!

But, lucky for you, I’m back after being deeply embedded in the ranks of the feminists and I am ready and willing to debrief (I hear that chuckling in the back, Jenkins, and let me just say, sir, “high five!”).

See, I unknowingly and unwittingly have been keeping the company of many a feminist conspirator. I’ve gone so far as to marry and procreate with one, in addition to those I’ve accidentally befriended. After learning of their twisted plot I started to jot down what I’ve learned. Let’s just say I’ve got binders full of intel that I’m prepared to offer up for the cause. I will not desert you, my brothers in arms.

Before we get down to the *giggle* debrief, though, I just have to ask one teeny little question that’s been weighing heavily on my mind.

What the fuck are we afraid of, exactly?

What is it about the feminist agenda that has us so concerned? Look, that there is a vast network of lady agents looking to overthrow the so-called patriarchy is beyond debate. I’m on Twitter. I’ve seen their hashtags and their twibbons and their colour-coded avatars.

But I have to be honest, my brothers. I am not entirely sure I see the threat here. I’ve endeavoured to assemble an itemized list of all that we stand to lose; please let me know what I’m missing.

  • The right to yell “hey baby, you look so good!” to women who, in fact, look so good, and should know such
  • The right to have sex with women who may not want to have sex with us, even if they’ve wanted to before
  • The right to be paid more than them for work of equal value
  • The right to demand their attention even when they’d rather not be paying attention to us
  • The right to spread our legs on the bus and take up two seats
  • The right to explain things that they already understand in a patronizing voice just to remind them that we’re smarter (or at least as smart)
  • The right to take credit for their ideas in meetings so we inevitably get asked to speak on all-male panels because there just aren’t women in our field who are as knowledgeable

And that’s sort of where I lose steam. I mean, that can’t be it, right? That can’t be the sum total of what we’ll lose? Cause guys, I’m looking at that list and I’m not seeing much I can’t live without there.

Anyway, I assume one of you has a better list so I’ll be over here, swiping down to refresh, until you can hook me up. I’m still at joe@dude.bro, by the way.

Thanks.

Published inFrom Medium
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